When The Numbers Lie
by LibbyLou22
Summary: Numbers made sense, they didn't lie. But in this moment she wished they could. Her husband might die and it was all her fault.
1. Chapter 1

**This takes place after the episode in Season 3 where Henry drives the bomb truck out of the city and watches it blow up. He was so close to it. What if he had been closer?**

Elizabeth had always found numbers comforting. Numbers made sense when life didn't. Numbers made her feel sane after her parents died. Numbers made sense, they didn't lie. But in this moment she wished they could. When the numbers on the monitor started dropping informing her of her husband's heart was stopping. She wished numbers lied as a team of doctors pushed her out of the room.

It was her fault. Her fault he was shot; her fault he had driven a truck with a bomb in it that had put him in this predicament. She had moved their family back to DC knowing what Henrys sense of duty had done to him in the NSA the last time they lived in DC. She should have told the president no. They could still be living on a horse farm in Virginia, Henry would be teaching a class on mid-evil religion, not dying in the hospital at the hand of a religious cult.

She had watched his heart stop right in front of her. He was the love of her life, her everything. What would she tell the kids? If he died? If he lived? One more cover story. If he died, she wouldn't be able to tell them the truth. She had always prided herself on honestly with her kids. But here they were liying to them constantly.

Washington had changed them both. It had changed their relationship, her moral compass, and even his. And now it might be to ate for Henry. What would happen to the kids if they stated in Washington. If Henry was dead and she had to raise them alone. Would they suffer the same fate as their parents? Washington was filled with lies, with so much pain. She had tired playing by her own rules, but it didn't work like that here. She had made sacrifices. What if Henry was one of them?

She had no idea how long she sat there. Her brain spiraling out of control. But at some point a doctor appeared before her. "Mrs. McCord?" He paused, "I'm sorry, Secretary McCord." He corrected.

Elizabeth looked up panicked. She missed the simplicity that Mrs. McCord provide her. Madam Secretary was too much right now, she was supposed to be responsible and strong, diplomatic. "Elizabeth. Please call me Elizabeth." She stood up searching the doctors eyes for news.

"Your husband sustained two traumas in a very short time. When his heart stopped we worked very hard to revive it and thanks to the diligence of our Cardio team we were successful."

Elizabeth's knees nearly buckled and tears filled her eyes. "He's alive? He's going to be OK?"

The doctor paused, "He is alive. However, he sustained significant injuries. We would expect that there will be some significant hurdles for him to overcome. His spine is bruised from impact. That along with the injuries from being shot will likely leave him in a wheelchair for up to a year or more. He might have to learn to walk again. But what concerns me most his brain. It was swelling badly when he arrived here and when his heart stopped his brain lost oxygen. I would expect temporary long-term memory loss and some longer lasting short term memory loss. Your husband faces a very long and difficult recovery."

An hour later Elizabeth was shown to Henrys room in the ICU. Not prepared to tell the kids what had happened just yet and unsure of where her cell even was she sat down near the bed. Henry looked bad. Worse than she had ever seen him. Elizabeth rarely cried but in that moment she did.

28 years of marriage 30 years together, 3 kids 2 deployments. She was lucky. She looked up at the monitor the numbers that had terrified her a few hours had disappeared, replaced with consistent numbers. Comforting numbers. He was alive, thank god numbers lied sometimes.

 **I haven't decided if I am going to continue this or leave it as a one shot. Thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I** **am a bit unsure about this chapter and I apologize if it is out of character. Thank you all for your kind reviews. They really encouraged me to get a second chapter finished this weekend.**

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Two days had passed. She had sent the kids home for the night and taken her place on the couch that had become her bed when she first heard him moan. Leaping up with panic and fear she moved over to his bed. "Henry?"

His eyes were open but there was confusion in them. "Elizabeth?" His voice was raspy.

Elizabeth nearly cried, he knew her name. Thank god. But she could tell in his eyes he was confused and it worried her. "Yes. You are okay." She offered him some water.

Henry looked at her, she was old, he recognized side her but she was different. "What happened?"

Doctors rushed in before she could answer him and pushed her to the corner. Poking prodding and flashing lights in his eyes. "Can you tell me your name?" one asked.

"Henry Thomas McCord" He couldn't take his eyes off Elizabeth, her hair was different shorter, but still beautiful.

The doctor moved blocking his view of Elizabeth. "Can you tell me the date?"

"October 15, 1988"

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"So you are the Secretary of State?" Henry asked for the second time.

Elizabeth smiled, "Yes. My old boss from the CIA is the president now, he asked me to serve, it was impossible to say no. We moved back to DC about 3 years ago. We did live here for years when I was in the CIA but we moved to my parents horse farm about 10 or 12 years ago and became college professors at UVA."

Henry smiled, "I'm a college professor?" He had never imagined having the opportunity to continue with school, the Marines called to him after college. He had made them a commitment.

Elizabeth smiled and Henry watched her toss her hair over her shoulder. God she was so pretty. "You are a phenomenal college professor. You teach at the War College now."

She watched his eyes widen, "That's- so"

She smiled, "Cool?"

He laughed, "Yes." He paused. "This is so weird. I had a whole life. I can't remember any of it. I can't remember proposing, our wedding. I feel like I have missed so much of my own life. In my mind we've only been dating for 6 months but I wake up and we are married and," He looked at the tears in her eyes. "I missed everything."

Elizabeth took his hand, "You were there for all of it, and the doctor's said this is temporary. You'll remember everything. I'll have the kids bring pictures over."

Henry froze, kids? He had kids. "We have kids?" He wiped away tears.

Elizabeth started to wipe away tears, the realization that the last 30 years where missing from his brain and that included the knowledge of his own kids hit her like a ton of bricks. At least he remembered her. He had six months of memories with her. She looked up at him from her chair. "We have three. Stephanie, Stevie we call her she is amazing. Allison, Allie god she looks so much like your mom, acts like her too. So strong, compassionate. And Jason, our youngest, he is so, much like you very opinionated, very smart. He's a self-proclaimed anarchist." Her eyes glittered and she smiled as she pulled out her phone to show him pictures.

Henry eyed the contraption, "What's that?"

Elizabeth looked at the phone and back at him realizing for the 100th time in 10 minutes that her husband was stuck in 1988. "It's a cellphone. Look I can call people, I can send a text, it's like an instant message that goes to the person you send it to and shows up on their cellphone. I have pictures here, of the kids." She held the phone up for him.

Henry looked at his kids. "They are amazing. They are ours?" He asked in amazement.

Elizabeth smiled wiping away. "Yes. They are the perfect mix of the two of us."

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An hour later the doctor pulled Elizabeth into his office. "I just wanted to take this time while Henry is sleeping to discuss his treatment plan. This going to be an extremely difficult transition. I expect his memory to improve slowly. It won't be a sudden rush of memories just small chunks at a time. This hospital is a safe space for him right now away from society which has obviously changed significantly since 1988. We don't want to overwhelm him. We also have the mobility issues to address. He won't be out of a wheelchair for a few months and will likely need assistance for up to a year. It will depend on how his physical therapy goes. He is going to need seclusion from society while his brain processes the changes. Thinks like TV social media, will be stressors, reminders of what happened and might add to his confusion. I don't know if you have stairs at home but if so you need to start considering a makeshift room on the first floor. Consider putting some furniture into storage to ensure your home is wheelchair accessible."

Elizabeth nodded as her brain processed the information. The Farm had a first-floor master bedroom and often lacked internet. It was quiet. She could take him to the farm to recover; modifications had been made when her grandmother lived there, she had been wheelchair bound.

In Sickness and in Health. The promise from her vows came to her mind. In that moment she made a decision she never thought she would. She knew she had to quit her job. Henry had sacrificed so much for this job of hers. And she had nearly lost him. She wouldn't risk him or her family again.

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 **Please revew!**


	3. Chapter 3

The doctors promised Elizabeth that the drugs would help Henry sleep through the night and encouraged her to go home. Initially, she fought the idea. However, she was so incredibly overwhelmed and the idea of being home with her children sounded comforting. She felt slightly uncomfortable around Henry for the first time. He was fragile and somehow she worried she'd break him, not physically, but emotionally. He had forgotten their entire life together and while it wasn't his fault, somehow in the irrational part of her brain she was hurt, sad.

As she climbed into the sedan she felt everything go numb and the drive home seemed endless as she was lost in her thoughts. Their wedding, the end of deployment, the birth of their children. Nearly every happy moment in their relationship, with their family, gone. Gone!

"Madam Secretary, We are here." Her DS agent said standing at the open car door.

Elizabeth looked surprised and wondered how long they had been waiting for her to get out of the car. "Thanks." She murmured. Quickly she strode up the walk and into the door.

Her kids met her in the entryway hammering her with questions. An hour and a plethora of questions later, her kids were asleep. Delivering the news had been hard. Stevie had been stoic but Allison had cried and she had caught Jason wiping away tears too. However, now seemingly alone in the downstairs of her quiet house she found herself fighting so many different thoughts and feelings. She was mad at herself, at Henry; upset that this terrible thing had happened, sad for her kids, for Henry for herself.

She stared out the window and suddenly felt her water glass slip from her fingers and shatter on the floor at her feet. At that moment time froze as she hit the floor hiding from the explosion and gunfire in her mind. Caught up in memories of Iran she found herself under the table trying to convince herself it was not real. Her hands and feet were cut from the grass and blood were all over the floor leading to the table where she was shuttled. It was there that she sobbed uncontrollably. Was it a panic attack from Iran or a panic attack from the recent events? That she was not sure about. Her whole world was shattered after she had worked so hard with Henry to build a life together. He did not remember the most important things in their lives. Her phone rang, the Whitehouse, but she hit ignore and continued to sob.

Stevie came downstairs the next morning early hoping to make coffee and breakfast for her mother, anything to help ease the burden of what her mother must be going through. She needed the distraction as well; the past few days events were somehow hard for her to wrap her mind around. She stepped outside to grab the paper and as she made her way into the kitchen she noticed the blood and glass on the floor. She tried to scream but no sound came out. Words were not forming in her brain. She ran back to the door and opened it hoping her mouth would make words to get help from the DS agents. No words came out but the panicked look on her face and indicated they needed to come inside. They pushed passed her and fanned out to search the house, neither knowing what they where looking for. One agent saw the blood and radioed a code requesting backup and an ambulance. "Madam Secretary?" One of them called following the blood to under the table.

"Secretary located." Said another as he bent down, "I think she's sleeping."

Stevie bent down. "Mom?" She called franticly greatful that her voice still worked.

Jason and Allison appeared at the bottom of the stairs, "what's wrong?" Allison called out. "Mom?" She started to cry, "Stevie what's wrong with mom?"

Two hours later at the hospital Elizabeth had been given an IV drip for dehydration and a doctor was cleaning a particularly nasty gash on her foot where glass had become embedded. Elizabeth looked at her children, "I'm so sorry guys. I didn't mean to scare you. Are you guys ok?"

"We are fine mom." Jason said, looked at Allie who nodded. Stevie however remained motionless.

Suddenly Stevie looked at her mom and siblings. "I need to make a phone call. I'll be back." And without another word she slipped out of the room. She really did need to make a call but in that exact moment she just needed to get away. It was all too much. She wished her parents where normal, horse farm loving professors again. She knew her father hadn't been in a car accident the first time, and this time, her mother hadn't even offered a cover story. He was doing secret spy shit. She knew he was. She had seen documents at work when she was helping Russel. She couldn't decide if she was mad at her dad, proud, or just sad.

She had only intended to peek in his room but she found herself sitting in the chair her mother had occupied the previous day. He looked bad.

Suddenly he stirred and she froze. He wouldn't know her. Should she try to leave? What should she do? And then he looked at her and it was too late.

Henry was confused, but only for a moment. Briefly it appeared Elizabeth was sitting beside him, but the information regarding his condition returned to his brain and he knew as he studied her it wasn't his girlfriend. Or wife or whatever she was.

This girl was clearly her daughter. His daughter. "You look like your mother." He whispered.

Stevie's eyes welled with tears. "Dad."

Henry looked as if he was about to cry, "I can't remember you Stevie. But somehow I feel so much love for you. Just as if I was meeting you for the first time as a baby."

Stevie began to weep and she moved to hug her father. Knowing he didn't remember her didn't matter now that she knew he loved her just the same.

 **Let me know what you think! Thanks for the reviews and follows they mean a lot!**


	4. Chapter 4

Stevie left when her father fell asleep. She felt heartbroken for her mother. She hadn't fully comprehended what his memoryless meant to for their family, and for their mother. As she made her way back to the room where her mother was located she wished briefly that they had never moved to DC. She was so proud of her mother – and her father- but it seemed her family had paid dearly.

That night the same thought ran through her head again as Allie climbed in to her bed crying. The sound of their mother's quiet sobs created anxiety in all the kids but Allie somehow seemed to be most affected by it. Jason had just gone downstairs and turned up the TV but Allie appeared in Stevie's bed and cried herself to sleep clinging to her older sister.

Stevie wanted to cry but she somehow couldn't. So she lay there all night, wishing they had just been a normal average family on a horse farm. She was immensely proud of her mother and father but was it worth all this?

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Elizabeth arrived at the hospital the next morning in a fowl mood. She hadn't slept, and she had just come from the Whitehouse where she had uncharacteristically lashed out at the President when he had protested her resignation. She was no longer the Secretary of State.

She had always said she would give up everything for Henry. She took their wedding vows seriously even if he couldn't remember them. But why had giving up the job made her feel like an awful person. She was a feminist and believed the balance of work and personal was possible, but in this instance she didn't feel like she had an option. They needed to move back to the farm, she needed to help him, he knew only her. Everyone else but his siblings had passed away.

This was the only option but somehow she felt guilty, as if she was betraying her country to save her family. Her phone dinged and as she glanced at she suddenly felt like vomiting. The news of her resignation had broken. She sat frozen as the DS agents drove her to the hospital. She would have security for one month, while the news was hot in the press and after that she would be thrown to the lions. Blake was already working to arrange a move back to the farm. As of today he no longer worked for her but god bless him he still kept her sane.

As they pulled up to the hospital press surrounded the car. Suddenly she felt herself vomit. Her agents spun around to ask if she was alright. "I need to be alone. Get out." She snapped. The agents quietly left the car. She vomited again and began to cry. She didn't actually want to be alone. She wanted Henry, her husband, not the one from college, but the one she had spent her life growing with.

A half an hour later she emerged from the car clad in her largest pair of sunglasses and the hood on her coat pulled up tight. Her agents surrounded her and shepherded her in the building. She made it to Henry's room in a hurry but then suddenly felt as if she didn't want to go in. But she pushed herself. And willed herself to step in to the room with a smile on her face. She pulled down the hood and took off the glasses.

Henry looked at her. "Are you alright?" He asked worriedly as he groaned and scooted up in bed.

Elizabeth shut the door and glanced up at the TV which was coverage of her resignation. Photos of Henry flashed on the screen. She reached up and flicked off the off button. "It's been a long day and it's only noon."

Henry nodded, "This 24 hour news cycle is exhausting. When did that happen?"

Elizibeth frowned as she sat down. "I'm not sure. I think it got progressively worse after 9/11."

Henry looked at her confused and for the millionth time he felt as though he didn't belong in this world. "9/11?"

Elizabeth covered her mouth, and wiped a tear away, "A terrorist attack on September 11th 2001. The World Trade Center twin towers where hit by hijacked airplanes. So was the Pentagon. And a fourth plane was brought down by its own passengers in Pennsylvania before it could reach its destination. It sparked a war, two technically. There was constant news coverage of the aftermath and of the war."

Henry's eyes watered, "Oh my god."

Elizabeth knew she needed to tell him. "Henry, your friend from high school Greg Rivers and his wife Jenna. And a few of our other college acquaintances, they died in the attacks." She wiped away tears.

They sat in silence for a while before Henry whispered hoarsely, "Who else?" Elizabeth looked confused and Henry continued. "Who else has died?"

Elizabeth let out a sob, "Oh Henry. I don't know that we should do this."

Henry looked at her, "My parents?"

Elizabeth covered her mouth and nodded. "Henry." She whispered.

Henry let out a sob, "I need you to leave please."

She froze looking at him surprised. "Henry, I'm -"

He cut her off. "We don't know each other well enough for this. Please go away." He shouted throwing a cup across the room.

She fled the room and raced down the hall. She lost one shoe and then just kicked off the other. She ducked in to a handicapped bathroom and locked the door behind her. She began to sob. Harsh body shaking sobs. She cried so hard that she began to gag. And for the third time that day she vomited.

She had given up everything, for this? What if he left her? What if he never remembered? She was married to a man who couldn't remember loving her. She didn't have her job and she didn't have her husband. Who was she anymore?


	5. Chapter 5

The doctor had advised her on how to address gaps in his memory. He had given her very clear instructions. But for some reason she hadn't followed them. They didn't even enter her mind.

She had a PHD for god sakes. She was the Secretary of State.

Former Secretary of State.

Perhaps that was why she had screwed everything up. She shouldn't have come straight from the Whitehouse after having an argument with the president. She should have tried to sleep. She should have had her agents take her home.

So many regrets.

The incident in the hospital room had created tensions between Henry and Elizabeth that the two had never in their marriage experienced. Her poor delivery of the news, had resulted in a foul mood from Henry. The introduction of their children, done by a family therapist rather than Elizabeth had gone awfully. Allison, had reminded him of his mother. And Jason, didn't seem to want anything to do with his father. Both where moody teenagers but combined with a father who couldn't remember them and the results had been disastrous.

Out of the entire family, Stevie had been the only one to connect with Henry.

She placed the last of books from the study in to the box and taped them shut.

"Mom?"

Elizabeth pushed the box away, "Yea?"

"Can I keep dad's car here?" Allie asked.

Elizabeth felt stabbed in the heart every time she was reminded that her children had asked to remain in DC. Stevie because she had a job, and Allie wanted to finish school with her friends. But Jason had wanted to avoid the awkwardness with their father. Allie only had a bit of time left before college but Jason, he had been unable to even look at Henry when they visited him in the hospital.

Stevie had rented an apartment and Allie planned to stay with her until college. But Jason was another story. After a fight between him and Elizabeth he admitted significant animosity for his father and confessed that he would do anything to avoid being around a man who wasn't his father. He resented his father for not remembering him but more importantly for Henry's relationship with Stevie which was somehow intact. He had always wondered if Stevie was his dad's favorite but now he knew. Henry had forgotten everything and now Stevie really was his favorite.

Jason was going to boarding school. Elizabeth still couldn't believe it. She had liked boarding school but only because she didn't have a home to go to. But Jason had requested it. He was asking to leave. There was a boarding school for boys an hour from the farm. Jason was set to leave in two days.

Her family was falling apart.

It was as if he had died.

But somehow this was worse. He was alive, his body was, but the person she was married to was gone. The man who was a husband, teacher and father was gone.

She felt like she was grieving. She gave up everything. And she would give up the job a million times over but did she have to lose her family?

"Mom?" Allie called again, pulling her from her thoughts.

"No, take my car. It's never really been driven so it's safer. Plus, I'll need your father's car to get him to Physical therapy. It's bigger and higher up

Two days later Elizabeth drove Henry's car to drop Jason off. It was her first solo excursion without her security. Driving was more tiring than she remembered it. After dropping of Jason she went to the farm, not having the energy to get back to DC that night. And as she pulled down the long driveway she suddenly stopped the car.

The sun was setting over the pond. The pond she and Henry had gotten married at. When she made it to the pond she sunk to her knees and wept.

Nothing would ever be the same.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for all the reviews! I know it's been a rough few chapters but I felt that something this devastating warranted a lot of pain and guilt. I also felt that Elizabeth needed to give up her job in order to rebuild her family. She's always said she would if she had to and I think in a way all of them even her resent the job sometimes.**

 **Please enjoy and review.**

She was living with a stranger. That was her first thought when the men that had helped transport Henry had closed the door to the farmhouse. When she locked the door and turned around she suddenly felt overwhelming panic. A feeling she had hoped would go away with her job being gone.

But here she was living with her husband and feeling like a stranger. It was strange because she remembered him when they first began dating but this man in her house wasn't the fiery man she fell in love with. He was broken.

She made her way to the downstairs master bedroom where Henry was staying. "Can I get you anything?" She asked shyly.

They had had numerous interactions since the incident in the hospital but they had all been very surface level. But now, living in the same house, Elizabeth hoped that they could save their relationship, or begin to rebuild it.

"I'm alright. Thanks. This is a beautiful home."

Elizabeth smiled, "Thank you. It was my parents."

"Did they like me?" Henry asked. "You've never talked about them. In my world at least." Henry had begun to refer to his memory loss as his world.

"They died when I was young. I didn't tell you for a few more months."

Henry frowned, "I'm sorry."

"They would have liked you." Elizabeth frowned. "I've been encouraged to write a book. So I've been thinking a lot about them lately. I think being here will really help with that."

"A book?"

Elizabeth blushed and sat down in a chair suddenly feeling a connection to the man beside her for the first time in weeks, "Yeah, one of my former, I guess you'd call him an advisor, recommended that I employ a publicist and do some speaking engagements, write a book. Supposedly this is the typical post Secretary of State path. So I now have a publicist named Holly, she is extremely peppy and already pushing for chapters on my early childhood." Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

Henry looked at her and in the soft light he saw her beauty for the first time in a long time. "Did you have a good childhood, you never really talked about it."

Elizabeth nodded, "It took me a few years to tell you about everything. But I did have a wonderful childhood. My parents had horses and so I grew up riding, and I loved school, gosh I was such a nerd. The day my parents died, they went to get milk shakes with my brother. I chose to stay home and do homework instead of go out with them. They got in a car accident and never came home. After that I went to boarding school. My childhood was overshadowed by heartbreak; I just hadn't been ready to tell you. When we started dating I liked you a lot. And your family sounded so perfect, I felt like I didn't have anything to offer you in return. I had no idea how to be in a relationship, or to have a family. I was scared. I didn't open up about my family until you took me home to meet your parents."

Henry smiled sadly, "I'm sorry I don't remember all this stuff."

Elizabeth looked at him, "Its OK. This wasn't your fault. I mean yes you did get in the truck with a bomb but the lives you saved, Henry you are a hero. No one blames you for this."

"The kids do."

"Henry they are kids. This is not unexpected. They do this. One time when we told Stevie she couldn't have an American girl doll, she stayed in her room for two days and refused to eat. Jason has frozen us out even longer. This is a big adjustment for them, for all of us."

"The doctors say I will get my memory back." Henry reminded her.

Elizabeth nodded, "You will, your brain is still healing. You still have a lot of physical therapy to be able to walk. Things are not going to just snap back to normal but that's OK. Years ago I stood right outside and said vows to you to be with you in sickness and in health. You may not remember them bud I do. Now I know recently things have been awkward between us, between you and the kids, but we will get through this." She moved to the side of the bed and sat down taking his hand. "I know in your world, you haven't heard this yet, but I love you."

Henry looked in to her blue eyes. "Can I tell you something?" Elizabeth nodded and he continued. "I remember the explosion. I keep having dreams about it." He looked away, "I'm afraid to sleep alone. In the hospital there was a night nurse that would wake me up."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'll stay with you. You don't need to worry. You did the same for me more than once."

He looked at her questioningly.

She sighed and continued, "I went on a secret visit to Iran, when I was Secretary of State. There was a coup and explosions at the house I was visiting killed the man I was visiting and some of my security. I watched a little boy scream as he watched his father die. It was horrific. I used to wake up screaming. You'd hold me and pet my hair till I calmed down. I still dream about it sometimes. We are all broken in different ways." Elizabeth squeezed his hand. "I've spent many nights away from you, so I'd gladly spend every night with you because I almost lost you. And that's hard to think about." Elizabeth stood up, "Ill go grab a camping cot from the garage."

Henry grabbed her hand, "Stay. This bed's big enough. It's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before. Besides its way more conferrable than a cot."

Elizabeth smiled widely and felt her heart flutter. "I don't think I've ever been able to say no to you before." She slipped in-between the sheets and settled in to bed finally feeling herself relax more than she had been able to the past month.

For the first time since the bombing, both of them slept. 


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